Healthy tech usage in a family begins with a healthy framework. Sit down with your family and come up with some ground rules that everyone is going to follow. Agree on the role you want technology to play.
Below are some ideas that should kick-start the process for your family tech plan. Keep what you like, toss what you don't. This is intended to get the ball rolling.
Below are some ideas that should kick-start the process for your family tech plan. Keep what you like, toss what you don't. This is intended to get the ball rolling.
1. No locked screens
That's right. First thing I'm going to tell you to do is to unlock your phone. It's a healthy habit. If you have teenagers in the home it needs to be a family rule. No one locks their phone. One of the things I hope you get from this site is that if you have teenagers in the house, digital privacy isn't all that realistic. Model the behavior.
Note: This rule isn't all that applicable unless you have adolescents in the house with you. If you have toddlers, a locked phone may be necessary to prevent them from accidentally calling your boss.
Note: This rule isn't all that applicable unless you have adolescents in the house with you. If you have toddlers, a locked phone may be necessary to prevent them from accidentally calling your boss.
2. All devices have a bed time, including yours.
Shut down the devices at a reasonable hour and be disciplined about it. Technology is great but if you're finding it difficult to put down, it's especially important that you do. Your kids will fight you on this endlessly if you don't model it for them. Start now. At ____ o'clock, all devices are put away. Don't give yourself exceptions. It's unfair to your kids and will invalidate your tech plan.
3. .....and a dinner time
Stop it. Stop answering texts and emails during dinner. Stop checking facebook. Stop doing whatever you're doing. Talk to your kids. Eat dinner together. I realize it's not 1985 anymore (although I kinda wish it was. I really want one of those old school Zack Morris phones. That thing could double as a footstool). I also realize that parents work and it's not always possible for everyone to be together for dinner every night. But if dad is working late, mom.... eat at the table with the kids. And dad, you do the same if mom is working late. Make dinner an event........ and leave the technology out of it.
4. .....and a down time
Please remember that I told you this.... Don't look down at a screen if you can look up at your kids.
I promise, whatever you're doing can wait.
I promise, whatever you're doing can wait.
5. Devices charge overnight in the parents room
Hey parent... if your teenager has a phone in his or her room, they're not sleeping. Ya know what else? If you have a teenage boy, he's using it to look at porn.
What??? Not my son!!!
Yes. Your son.
No way! He doesn't even know what that is!!
Yes. Yes he does. And he knows things about it that you don't. I know you think you can check his history to see what he's looking at but he's probably better at hiding it than you are at finding it. I'm not saying you have to dig through their phone every night, but a child should never have access to the internet in their room. It's too tempting. And on a particularly creepy note... if they have access to the internet while you're asleep, the internet and everyone they come in contact with has access to them.
Night night.
What??? Not my son!!!
Yes. Your son.
No way! He doesn't even know what that is!!
Yes. Yes he does. And he knows things about it that you don't. I know you think you can check his history to see what he's looking at but he's probably better at hiding it than you are at finding it. I'm not saying you have to dig through their phone every night, but a child should never have access to the internet in their room. It's too tempting. And on a particularly creepy note... if they have access to the internet while you're asleep, the internet and everyone they come in contact with has access to them.
Night night.
6. Parents, look at your kids phones regularly
Make it random but make it a habit. Please don't wait until they're in trouble or until you think they're doing something bad. Do it now. Go ahead. I'll wait.
See. That wasn't so bad. Teenagers need to know that parents can and will dig through their phones at any time for absolutely no reason. With that in mind, let's talk about privacy. I've had parents in my office ask me to what extent they should respect their child's digital privacy. My response is that digital privacy doesn't exist. Whatever they do online is out there for the world to find, you'd just prefer to see it all in one place so you're going straight to the source.
Here's the best way I can explain this.... Imagine you live on the second floor of a building in Manhattan and your child has a window in his room that opens up to the street. At any time he can open that window and anyone who happens to be walking by has access to him. The window is high enough to where they can't just grab him out of it and run but that doesn't stop them from trying to coax him to come down or discussing things with him that he's not exactly old enough to discuss. Over the course of a few weeks he'll probably talk to plenty of people who have no ill intent whatsoever but, you'd still want to monitor everyone who walks past just in case. You'd want to hear every conversation because you know that all it takes is one incident for long term damage to be done.
Your kids phone is that window. The only difference is that their phone allows them to connect with exponentially more people than a window in Manhattan would. Oh and by the way, would you close that window at night? Yeah. Me too. See #5.
See. That wasn't so bad. Teenagers need to know that parents can and will dig through their phones at any time for absolutely no reason. With that in mind, let's talk about privacy. I've had parents in my office ask me to what extent they should respect their child's digital privacy. My response is that digital privacy doesn't exist. Whatever they do online is out there for the world to find, you'd just prefer to see it all in one place so you're going straight to the source.
Here's the best way I can explain this.... Imagine you live on the second floor of a building in Manhattan and your child has a window in his room that opens up to the street. At any time he can open that window and anyone who happens to be walking by has access to him. The window is high enough to where they can't just grab him out of it and run but that doesn't stop them from trying to coax him to come down or discussing things with him that he's not exactly old enough to discuss. Over the course of a few weeks he'll probably talk to plenty of people who have no ill intent whatsoever but, you'd still want to monitor everyone who walks past just in case. You'd want to hear every conversation because you know that all it takes is one incident for long term damage to be done.
Your kids phone is that window. The only difference is that their phone allows them to connect with exponentially more people than a window in Manhattan would. Oh and by the way, would you close that window at night? Yeah. Me too. See #5.
7. Parents manage the iTunes/Google Play account
Parents with iPhones, go into your settings, go to iCloud, and turn on automatic downloads for apps. Once you do that, if your kid downloads an app, it will automatically download to your phone as well. There's nothing they can do on their end to stop it. Blammo, you know what they just downloaded and have plenty of time to figure out what in the world it is so you know whether to get mad or not.
8. Set appropriate restrictions on kids phones
No explanation necessary. Your 8 year old doesn't need the explicit version of anything.
9. Create a family technology agreement
See the Family Technology Plan here. Let your kids be a part of this. Decide the things on this list as a family. I think you'll be surprised at their thoughts. They may be more interested in setting tech limits than you think. I say that because in the families I've worked with most recently, when a problem exists with someone being on their phone too much, it's been the parents. Kids know it. Teenagers can tell as clear as day that you're not paying attention to them. And if you think you're off the hook because your kids are young, you're wrong. Your 5 year old knows when you choose your phone over her. She picks up on the fact that she has to compete with it for your attention and she knows when she loses.
10. Devices being used outside of the agreement are subject to removal
Stick to the plan or your device goes away. Be willing to throw the flag on yourself if you start checking Facebook at dinner.
11. Never post a picture of your child to social media while they're doing whatever it is you just took a picture of.
Please make this a rule. Here's an example of what I mean. You take your 3 kids on a picnic. Great. Good for you. That's a great activity and they're probably loving it. But.... you started posting pictures while you were there. You probably think you're showing people what a great time you're having. Well, maybe that's true, but that's not all. You're also showing them that you stopped spending time with your kids so that you could tell everyone that you're spending time with your kids. First of all, posting this kind of stuff is problematic anyway but if you absolutely have to do it, wait until you get home. But before you do, take a look at my next point.....
12. Stop posting pictures of all of your personal time with your kids. And it's probably not for the reason you think.
You don't have to tell Facebook every time you take your kid out for lunch. In fact, I'd prefer you not do it at all. Now, I could go through a laundry list of reasons why but I won't. I could talk about how people don't really care or about the weird mixed signals that those kinds of posts send but again, I won't. So why am I so opposed to these postings? Because you're teaching your child that things aren't worth doing as a family unless you tell everyone about it. It cheapens the experience. You're teaching the kid to place value on what the outside world thinks about their personal lives. If every time you spend time with them it goes on Facebook, at some point they're going to start wondering if you'd still spend time with them if Facebook were gone.
This generation of kids is incredibly narcissistic. That's not news. Parents everywhere see that. What they don't see is that they're not helping. Yes, social media has convinced every teenager on earth that people legitimately care what they eat for lunch. Parents roll their eyes at that and make snide remarks about Twitter..... then tell the kid to smile for the picture they're about to post to Facebook. Your postings are making your kids more narcissistic and your inability to make that connection is the reason they don't believe you when you try to convince them they're narcissistic. Take your kid to lunch and give him your full attention. Because what you may not realize is that it's not just kids. Todays parents are incredibly narcissistic, too. Social media has had the same impact on us, we just don't want to admit it and we don't have anyone throwing it in our faces like our kids do. Stop posting pictures of every special moment you share with your kids. You'll have more of them that way. Teach your kid that the only attention you need for a day with them is theirs.
This generation of kids is incredibly narcissistic. That's not news. Parents everywhere see that. What they don't see is that they're not helping. Yes, social media has convinced every teenager on earth that people legitimately care what they eat for lunch. Parents roll their eyes at that and make snide remarks about Twitter..... then tell the kid to smile for the picture they're about to post to Facebook. Your postings are making your kids more narcissistic and your inability to make that connection is the reason they don't believe you when you try to convince them they're narcissistic. Take your kid to lunch and give him your full attention. Because what you may not realize is that it's not just kids. Todays parents are incredibly narcissistic, too. Social media has had the same impact on us, we just don't want to admit it and we don't have anyone throwing it in our faces like our kids do. Stop posting pictures of every special moment you share with your kids. You'll have more of them that way. Teach your kid that the only attention you need for a day with them is theirs.