<![CDATA[RYAN SMITH, PHD, LMFT, LPC

<![CDATA[RYAN SMITH, PHD, LMFT, LPC - Articles by Ryan]]>Mon, 06 Apr 2026 21:37:16 -0500Weebly<![CDATA[A Simple Way to Manage Technology in Your Family]]>Wed, 16 Sep 2015 20:56:21 GMThttps://www.yourbestfamily.com/articles-by-ryan/a-simple-way-to-manage-technology-in-your-family

Tired of fighting a constant tech battle in your family? I've got ya covered.

]]><![CDATA[The Kitchen Safe Saves Parents]]>Wed, 04 Mar 2015 18:37:00 GMThttps://www.yourbestfamily.com/articles-by-ryan/the-kitchen-safe-saves-parentsI watch Shark Tank. It's incredibly addictive but that's cool.... I'm a therapist. If I can find a way to bill my insurance for it I'll treat myself. Specifically, I'm a Family Therapist. This is important because I spend a great deal of time working with parents to solve every day problems. One of the most common struggles I hear is from parents who are trying to teach moderation and life-balance but are up against a barrage of attention grabbing devices. We want our kids to have fun stuff like phones and video games but we also want them to do things like, ya know, sleep and eat. That becomes an issue when our kids get way too into their gadgets. Tell me if this sounds familiar... at dinner or bedtime you try to calmly tell your kid to put the tablet away and you get this.....

So you slowly back away while leaving a trail of dead fish in the hopes that this animal that vaguely resembles your sweet child will follow the trail all the way to the dinner table. If this has happened to you, do two things. First, don't make any sudden movements. I'm pretty sure their vision is based on movement (I think I heard that somewhere). Second, read on....

Teaching kids to appropriately manage their technology fails for two primary reasons. One, because they badger you constantly or go into full-on martyr mode because their life is so clearly awful. Basically your kid is either playing XBox or complaining that they're not playing XBox. Neither of those is a win for you. The second reason is a bit harder to swallow; you're kind of a pushover. When they badger you, you relent. Or you let them play until 9:00 even though technically the rule is 8:00 but you just want to delay the battle a little longer and hey, Shark Tank is still on! Well lucky you. This particular Shark Tank featured something that's going to save you. Did you catch it? If not, let me help you out. Pushovers and parents of badgers, I present to you.... The Kitchen Safe.

The Kitchen Safe is exactly what it sounds like. It's a kitchen container you can't get into. When you close the lid on the Kitchen Safe, you set a timer and it locks. What makes it so amazing for parents is this... there's no override. There's no key, no password, no sweet compliments, rain dances, or flattery that's opening that thing. The only way in is to wait out the timer. Which means, when sweet little Timmy gives you those puppy dog eyes and says, "Mama, I promise I'll only play for 5 minutes and I was so good today can I pleeeeeeeeeease have the controller for my XBox." Your answer is, "Timmy. I'm proud of you for being good but the controller is in the Kitchen Safe. Even if I wanted to give it to you, I can't. There's no way to open it. Remember, your XBox time isn't limited because you're in trouble. It's limited because you don't need to spend all your time on the XBox". Then you walk away victoriously as the Rocky Theme plays in your head.

When you first implement this thing your kid won't believe you. He'll think you're keeping something from him. Let him inspect the thing. When he realizes there's truly and sincerely no way to get his controller, watch in amazement as he...... wait for it....... accepts it and finds something else to do. I've recommended this thing for parents of kids hooked on video games and for parents of kids who can't seem to regulate their cell phone usage. I'll give you two quick examples of how I've done it.

The Cell Phone Teen

I worked with a family whose teenage daughter was glued to her cell phone. I know, shocker, right? Here's what we did. We brought in the Kitchen Safe and placed it on the counter. Next to it we put a little chart that broke down the following; If the phone was in the safe by 9:00 the timer was set for 10 hours. This meant the kid could have it back at 7am the following day. If it was placed in the safe between 9:00 and 9:05, the timer was set for 22 hours, meaning she could have it back at 7pm the following day (which only gave her 2 hours with the phone that day). If it was placed in the safe between 9:05 and 9:10 the timer was set for 34 hours. The chart kept going like that, adding 12 hours for every 5 minutes that the phone wasn't in the safe.

It worked. The daughter had her phone in on time virtually every night. She was a minute or so late one night but it only happened once. She didn't enjoy seeing that "22 hours" on the timer. Now here's the craziest part... her parents said the first few times they did this she pouted a little in a typical teenage huffy fashion (that's a word, right?). But, because those actions didn't change the outcome of the situation in ANY way, she stopped after a few days. Remember, kids are more resilient than we are. They can adjust to a new normal. This young lady accepted that her pouting wasn't accomplishing anything and eventually gave it up. Mom said it took a week or so but it eventually became a fairly painless part of her routine.

The XBox Kid

I don't typically use the word "addiction" with sixth graders, but this kid fit the profile. His attachment to his XBox was downright frightening. Now, I should mention that as a therapist, my first recommendation was to get rid of it. However, mom wasn't excited about that and wanted to try to regulate it first. I won't walk you through the stuff that's repeated from the Cell Phone Teen but I'll give you this...

We did the same thing. The controllers and the power cord for the XBox had to be in the safe by 8:00 every night and there was a chart next to it but it was a bit different this time. The timer was set for 22 hours EVERY NIGHT. Which means he only had access to it for 2 hours per day. If the controls were in the safe between 8:00 and 8:05 the timer was set for 23 hours, giving him 1 hour the next day. If they were in the safe between 8:05 and 8:10 the timer was set for 46 hours, meaning he'd lost it for a day. You get the point. So even if this little guy got home before mom (which he did), he couldn't get into his XBox controllers or power cord.

The main problem this mom was having was the she caved after he hounded her enough. She knew that. I give her a ton of credit for being willing to admit it and this little device was a life saver for her. It allowed her to follow through but more importantly, because she wasn't struggling so mightily with follow through, it allowed her to actually see how powerful follow through can be.

One other note: if you do this, don't hound the kid. Part of learning responsibility is learning to do things without having to be nagged or badgered into it. Set the expectation that the phone is in the safe at 9:00. When it's 8:58 and she's still on it, that's not your concern. She knows the rule. Set the timer based on when she puts it in the safe. If she's 10 minutes late as long as you stick to your chart, there's absolutely no need for a lecture. Stay calm. Don't be mad. She knew the rule, she broke it, she pays the price according to the chart. You don't need to lecture her on responsibility. The Kitchen Safe keeping her from her phone is doing that for you. If you can be disciplined enough to stay off her back about it, this lesson will stick because you don't get in the way of it. Again, DON'T GET MAD. What do you have to be mad about anyway? She's the one who's now without her phone. Don't inflame the situation by piling on.

The specifics in your home will vary but regardless of what it looks like, I strongly suggest this thing. You'll be amazed at how freeing it is to have something put away with no option to get it back. For some, it's the kids. For others, it may be the parents. Maybe mom and dad need to put their phones away at dinner or during family game time (which you're totally having every week... at least that's what it says on your Facebook page... although I'm beginning to suspect that maybe those profiles aren't a totally honest reflection of real life. Nah, now I'm just talking crazy!). Maybe this little contraption will take one or two of your daily struggles and make them a bit easier. Or maybe you'll go really bonkers and actually use it for what it was designed for... junk food!

I'm not being paid by Kitchen Safe. I don't know them, they don't know me. I'll make no money off of endorsing their product. I'm a Marriage and Family Therapist who makes recommendations when I see something that can help your family. Go get this thing. It's crazy effective.

Here's the website: http://www.thekitchensafe.com/

And if you think I'm lying and that I'm getting a royalty off of clicks, don't click that link. Just google search "Kitchen Safe" and get to it that way.

]]><![CDATA[The Circle of Actions (or..... Why I'm in Trouble)]]>Thu, 12 Feb 2015 19:22:03 GMThttps://www.yourbestfamily.com/articles-by-ryan/the-circle-of-actions-or-why-im-in-troubleOne of the most challenging aspects of working with kids is getting them to understand why you're frustrated with them, what they did wrong, and how they can fix it. If you've ever tried to talk to a kid in trouble you know exactly what I mean. We ask questions like, "why did you hit him with your shoe?" and then get angry when they don't have a good explanation ("I don't know.. because I couldn't reach the hammer?").

So we pepper the kid with questions that don't really have good answers while the kid clings to any aspect of the story that may somehow get him off the hook. Then..... they start talking. That's when things get interesting. You get a story that has no real beginning or end with plot twists that not only catch you off guard, but have absolutely nothing to do with anything that's ever happened. Your kid is in trouble for hitting with a shoe and you're talking about just about everything but that.

When the conversation gets cloudy like this, you're in trouble. It's probably not going to end where you want it to. The more the kid talks you away from his actions the less likely he is to make a connection when you implement a consequence. Here's what I mean.... if you're talking to a child about something that just happened and find yourself sifting through stories that don't really connect with what you're discussing, the kid is now taking you on a wild ride through Blamesville and my guess is that by the end of it he will have convinced himself that he's only in trouble because some other kid did something wrong or because you're mean. You will have made whatever connection needed to be made, but the kid didn't follow you because he talked himself off the map completely.

You may tell me, "I'm fine. Even when he talks the story all over the place I know what he did wrong and that's what he gets in trouble for." Great, but you're not the one I'm worried about. Your kid is confusing himself and is far less likely to connect the consequence to his actions when he's spent 5 minutes digging for things that someone else did wrong.

I'm here to help. This is something I do with kids on a regular basis and lately, I've used it with a few adults (but we'll get to that later). It's one of the simplest things I do. I keep a stack of dry erase boards in my office. They're 12 inch by 12 inch squares so big enough to be seen but small enough to avoid being intrusive. As a child is telling me a story about something that got them in trouble, I quietly hand them a dry erase board and marker. Then before they get too far into the story, I ask them to draw a circle.

Nothing fancy. Just a circle. Now tell me what happened. I want to hear their perspective. They have the floor and are allowed to go with the story as they see it. But, I may interrupt here and there because as they tell me their version of what happened, I ask one small favor.....

As the child is telling me the story, I ask them to pay attention to actions... to things that people in the story do. When someone does something that the child has no control over, put it outside the circle. When the child does something he does have control over, put it inside the circle. That's it. If the child can write, he can use words. If he can't, he can use symbols or pictures. Here's what it might sound like....

Child: We were at lunch and Billy took my seat

Me: Ok. So Billy took your seat. Where should that go on the board?

Child: Outside the circle.

Me: Ok, then what?

Child: I told him to move

Me: Ok, where should that go?

Child: Inside

Me: Then what?

Child: He didn't move so I pushed him out of the seat

Me: Ok. He didn't move, where should that go?

Child: Outside

Me: And how about you pushing him?

Child: Inside

Me: Then what?

Child: Then Mrs. Johnson came over and told me to sit down (Child puts this outside the circle.... usually by this point the kid has picked up on the process and I don't have to keep asking where things should go.) And I told her that he stole my seat (puts that inside) but she wouldn't listen (outside) so I went to go sit on the stage (inside). She told me to come back (outside) but I didn't (inside).

If we've done it right we should have something that looks like this...

Now what? The first thing I do is ask the child to tell me why he's in trouble... but there's a catch. Their answer has to come from inside the circle. This child is not in trouble because Billy wouldn't get out of his seat, he's in trouble because he pushed Billy, walked off, and wouldn't respond to his teacher. It's frustrating at first but asking the child to find a reason he's in trouble and only giving him inner circle options is powerful. They have no choice but to choose their own actions as the cause for their being in trouble. If he tells you he can't find a reason inside the circle, wait him out. Tell him you can't move on until he can find something inside the circle that's responsible for his situation. Be patient. Be kind. You're not angry, you're not frustrated, you're not laying into the kid. You're simply talking. When he finds an action or two that got him in trouble, circle or underline it so you can go back to it.

Next we go one by one through the inner circle items and only the inner circle items. If the child ventures into an outer item, assure them you'll get to it after the inner circle ones are complete. So what are we doing here? We're talking through the child's actions without the opportunity for them to blame shift.

As you go one by one through the inner circle, you ask the child if this was a good choice or something they could have done differently. If it was good, put a star next to it and leave it (I star the good choices because even in the midst of a series of stupid moves, it's not uncommon for a kid to do a few things right. I don't want to lose those). If it was bad, talk through better choices they could have made. When they come up with something, draw a line through the old choice (but don't erase it) and write the new choice next to it.

When you've made your way through the inner circle, get to the outer circle but give it a small fraction of the time you gave the inner. In essence, I want you to acknowledge everything outside the circle and validate his frustration by saying that you wish people would make better choices. However.... reassure the child that he is NOT in trouble for ANYTHING that happened outside the circle. No one's actions placed him in trouble except his own. If you'd like to go through the outer circle items and ask him how he could have handled it better you certainly can, but you've kind of done that already. What will be more beneficial is talking through how his actions may have led to some of those outer items while also acknowledging that some didn't. This kid didn't have any say over Billy taking his seat, but he needs to know how to handle that situation.

The first time you do this with a kid it may take a while for them to get it. Be patient. Once you've done it once or twice they'll be able to fly through the process and the hope is that eventually they won't need the circle at all. Here's the theme to reiterate whenever possible... The things that get kids in trouble are the inner circle actions. It's crucial that you drive that point home.

One important note: this technique is not the consequence. Once you've talked through the circle it's important to be consistent with whatever the appropriate consequence is for a given action. The point here is to help them identify the role they play in their situation with the ultimate goal of making better choices.... not to let a kid draw a circle and assume he's learned his lesson. This is a support tool, not a solution tool.

I mentioned using this with adults. I had a mom in my office recently who really struggled to see her own child's actions. She blame shifted constantly. It was never the child it was the other kid, the teacher, the principal, the devil, the taliban, whoever. I eventually decided to use the circle technique with her. For the first time since we'd met, we were talking about the actions of her child. When she actually saw the visual, something clicked. She softened and was ready to be honest about what was going on. She didn't have to agree with me about anything else but she couldn't argue with me about what was getting him in trouble and who's actions they really were.

I love this technique because it's a visual tool to address a daily struggle. Kids tend to stay with visuals. Talking through this stuff without the aid of a visual is asking too much of a kid. They can't track all of this and make the connections without help. Once they get used to it you'll be amazed at how they respond to it. Adjust it however you need to for the purposes of your kid, just remember the principle. Kids need help recognizing the impact of their own actions. They need to be trained to not blame the rest of humanity when they find themselves in trouble. You're the parent. Help them figure it out. Help them see that if they're in a hole they're probably holding a shovel.

]]><![CDATA[Decoding Text and Internet Acronyms for Parents]]>Tue, 09 Dec 2014 18:20:08 GMThttps://www.yourbestfamily.com/articles-by-ryan/decoding-text-and-internet-acronyms-for-parentsHave you ever looked at the text messages your kid is sending and despite the fact that you're staring directly at them, realized you still have no clue what's being said? That's because they're speaking a foreign language. Let's call it textanese. They speak it, you don't. That means you've got some catching up to do.

The first step towards healthy tech use in the family is education. Because the fact is, you can't manage what's out there if you don't know what's out there. Below is a list of some common acronyms you should probably be familiar with. Use it to help you unravel the hieroglyphics your kids are using in their digital communication. It certainly isn't an exhaustive list but it's a start. If you really want to go nuts....download the pdf at the bottom of this post. It's got about a hundred more.

And please remember, if you see something on your kids' phone that you don't understand, do two things. First, ask your kid about it. Second, verify it. Do a quick google search. Odds are if your kid is using it, so are the rest of them.

Here's the list. Again.... the pdf at the end of this post has tons more and is downloadable for easy printing and saving.

Read. Learn. Look smart.

Most Popular
1. IWSN - I want sex now
2. GNOC - Get naked on camera
3. NIFOC - Naked in front of computer
4. PIR - Parent in room
5. CU46 - See you for sex
6. 53X - Sex
7. 9 - Parent watching
8. 99 - Parent gone
9. 1174' - Party meeting place
10. CID - Acid
11. Broken - Hungover
12. 420 - Marijuana
13. POS - Parent over shoulder
14. SUGARPIC - Suggestive or erotic photo
15. KOTL - Kiss on the lips
16. (L)MIRL - Let's meet in real life
17. PRON - Porn
18. TDTM - Talk dirty to me
19. 8 - Oral sex
20. CD9 - Parents around/Code 9
21. IPN - I'm posting naked
22. LH6 - Let's have sex
23. WTTP - Want to trade pictures?
24. TWD - Texting while driving
25. GYPO - Get your pants off

internet_acronyms_every_parent_should_know.pdf
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]]><![CDATA[Taking The Pain Out of Taking Your Kid's Phone (Almost)]]>Sun, 16 Nov 2014 05:19:05 GMThttps://www.yourbestfamily.com/articles-by-ryan/taking-the-pain-out-of-taking-your-kids-phone-almostI work with parents every day. One of the most common issues I run into is parents who decide to confiscate a kids phone as a consequence and it turning into a Chernobyl level meltdown that's way worse than whatever the kid was in trouble for to begin with. Right off the bat let me say this, taking a kids phone can be perfectly appropriate. It shouldn't be your go-to option every time they get in trouble simply because you know it hurts but it can definitely be effective. But, if you're going to to do it, do it like this....

1. Talk about it ahead of time
I realize you can't possibly prepare for everything your child is ever going to do wrong but that shouldn't stop

you from trying your best to pack the parachute before you jump out of the plane. What types of things will get your kids phone taken away? How long will you typically keep it? You and your kid should both be able to answer this question. If you haven't done it already, check out the section of this website that discusses family technology plans. Talk about consequences early so no one is shocked when they're enforced.

2. Don't back down
This applies to every consequence you're ever going to enforce but is particularly true regarding cell phones and tablets. If you let your child talk you out of it just once they'll argue with you about it endlessly from that point forward. Don't set the precedent that a phone being taken away is negotiable. If you do, invest in a yoga mat. That way you'll have a comfortable place to sit while your child argues with you for the rest of the night every time you try to enforce the rule.

3. Empower them to get it back
You're not a judge and your living room isn't a courtroom. Don't sentence your kids to an arbitrary amount of time that their punishments will last. For example, when you ground a kid for a week, what have you done? Enforced a rule? Sure. Done your job as a parent? Absolutely. But what else? You've signed up for a week of an annoying teenage martyr in your living room who won't shut up about how terrible her life is.

Instead, set an expectation. For example, instead of taking a kids phone away for a day, take it away until they can go 24 hours without asking about it, arguing, or sulking. Now it's up to them. Take it away until they do specific tasks you want. Or hey, combine the two. Take the phone away until they can go 2 days where they knock out everything on their to-do list. The point is, don't put them in a situation where they can sit around and be annoying for a few days and then get their stuff back. Remember, you're not teaching them how to be inmates. You're teaching them how to be proactive in correcting their mistakes. This is a great opportunity for that.

4. Time off for good behavior
Here's what I mean.... you've set the expectation that all phones are off and in a parents hand no later than 10pm. Good rule. So when your son hands you his phone at 10:30, you're in a bit of a situation. You've discussed this already and he's aware that not turning your phone in by the designated time will result in losing it for 48 hours. But, you're going to stick a caveat on that consequence. If he hands it over peacefully and doesn't ask to have it back or complain about it, you'll generously agree to cut that punishment down to 24 hours. The consequence is still in place and he's still not happy about giving up his phone but at least now there's a reason for him to not go all nutso about it.

]]><![CDATA[Creating A Family Tech Plan]]>Fri, 07 Nov 2014 05:44:12 GMThttps://www.yourbestfamily.com/articles-by-ryan/creating-a-family-tech-planTechnology is infiltrating every aspect of our lives..... I'm ok with that. I like technology. I find it interesting and admit to purchasing completely unnecessary gadgets simply because "it's the new one". My family and I live on 8 acres in the country and while I love it, I absolutely despise the fact that we have to use HughesNet (And for the record, if I ever meet Hughes I'm gonna kick him in the teeth. He and his 10 gigabytes for like a thousand bucks a month can.......... ya know what, nevermind).

Technology is great. The fact that you're walking around with a machine in your pocket capable of accessing the breadth of human knowledge is nothing short of miraculous. Honestly. Think about it. We're living in an age where saying "I don't know" is rarely necessary. If you don't know you can find out instantly. Quick, what was the name of the actor who played "Johnny" in Karate Kid? Unless it was you, you don't know. It was William Zabka. That took 2 seconds. Siri man. She was on it. If you already knew that, thank you for reading Mr. Zabka.

So these devices are little digital miracles. Problem is, you have no clue how it works. For all you know there's a team of magic fairies in there who carry out all of your requests. They access that breadth of human

knowledge we were talking about for you. Or more realistically, they "like" that picture of your neighbors BBQ that you feel weirdly obligated to comment on (because otherwise she won't comment on your trip to Nassau).

In addition to not knowing how it works, most of us don't really understand how we can blend it into our lives without losing are connectedness. We disappear into our phones and stop paying attention to our kids. We argue with our teenagers because all we know to do is take it away when we get mad at them. We scroll through that Facebook feed like CIA agents looking to see who's all hung up on themselves today. It's time to stop.

The most effective way to manage the technology in your home is to actually make a plan for how you're going to use it. That begins with talking but doesn't end there. You also need a concrete system in place that addresses issues before they arise.

"But that sounds complicated. I don't even know where to begin with something like that".

Lucky you. You're on the right website. I've created a template for you at the bottom of this page and explained how to use it. All you have to do is download it and adjust it to fit your family needs. I even left a copy in .doc format so that you could make any changes you'd like in Microsoft Word.

"But it's too hard to make those changes on my google machine."

Man, you're really whiny. Fine. I put a second version of it in PDF form. That one is blank. Print it as-is and write in your family plan. All you have to do is talk to your family. I'm not doing that for you.

familytechplan.docx
File Size:	1035 kb
File Type:	docx

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familytechplan_blank.pdf
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File Type:	pdf

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How To Use The Family Tech Plan

1. This needs to be a conversation with your whole family. Not you telling them what's going to happen. Let kids be a part of it.

2. The plan is in menu-format and divided into sections that address specific areas.

3. The number to the right of each policy is the policy number. If your kids get a phone out at dinner, just tell them, "Hey..... it's #3". They can look and see that #3 addresses phones at dinner. They've signed the agreement, the expectation is that they'll abide by it. Because if they don't.....

4. The "Slip-Up" section explains exactly what the consequence is for violating each policy. The consequence is on the left, the policies it covers are on the right. Be creative but realistic in your consequences and please, give your kids a chance to reduce their consequences through good behavior. Everyone will benefit.

5. I tried to give you some ideas to start but I'm not a member of your family. If something doesn't work for you, change it. Add things specific to your families needs. Like.... "No reading True Crime books on your kindle app until 3 am when you know it's going to give you nightmares". Which is a rule for my wife. Or "No being awesome past 9 pm", which is something I had to agree to.

6. Don't force anyone to sign. If they disagree with something, keep talking. Try to be as flexible as you can and allow everyone to get a little of what they want while also giving enough to keep things healthy.

7. Take a look at policy #3. "Tech Free Time" is flexible and ANYONE in your family can call it. If you're doing something that's not listed on the plan and you want the kids to put their phones away, call Tech Free Time. Everyone has 10 minutes to wrap up what they're doing and the phones go away until that activity is over. Give kids the freedom to call Tech Free Time too and then don't be surprised if they do it next time you come to their soccer game. Because their game ain't happenin' on your iPhone.

8. Reassess and adjust the plan as you see fit. Technology changes. Your plan should change with it.

]]><![CDATA[Weaving Technology Into Family Life Without Disconnecting from Each Other, Or, The Connected Connected Family; an Overview]]>Fri, 24 Oct 2014 20:13:32 GMThttps://www.yourbestfamily.com/articles-by-ryan/weaving-technology-into-family-life-without-disconnecting-from-each-other-or-the-connected-connected-family-an-overviewA big chunk of this website is dedicated to teaching families how to use technology to strengthen family ties and how to avoid it becoming a problem. However, I thought it might help to boil all of that info down into a manageable read. That way you can get a broad overview of how to do it in your family, then dig through the rest of this site to get the nuts and bolts. So.... below are the absolute basics of how technology can work for your family rather than against it. Follow the links for more information about a specific topic.

1. Create a plan
Families should have an open conversation about what's acceptable and what's not. Part of that conversation should involve the creation of a technology plan. This plan should lay out some ground rules for when it's okay to be consumed with your phone and when it's not. What time do you want phones to be put away? What types of apps are acceptable? What happens when someone steps outside the plan? Talk about it.

One note.... it shouldn't exclusively target your kids. What I mean is, if you decide they need to be off their phone by 8:00, you should be off yours too. It's a healthy habit to employ and if it's not modeled, it will be a fight. They'll argue endlessly about why it's okay for you to be on your phone but they can't be on theirs, and they'll probably be right.

2. Digital privacy doesn't really exist, even in your house
Anything your kids post to a website is now readily accessible. In addition, if your kids are spending time on apps that are connected to mass groups of people, they're readily accessible too. So, adopt a family rule that no one locks screens and make a habit of looking through all of your kids social media accounts from their

phone at any time. Then, learn how to switch between accounts on apps like Twitter and Facebook so that you get to see the account you know about AND the account they're trying to hide from you.

I've had a number of parents in my office who tell me, "I'm her Facebook friend so I know everything she does". No.......... No you don't. That account that you're friends with? That's her parent-friendly account. It's the one you don't know exists that you need to be concerned with.

And on a side note... kids are fleeing Facebook. Odds are they only maintain that profile and post to it occasionally so that you won't get curious and start asking if they've moved to another site. Because that's exactly what they've done. If you ask a kid today who's on Facebook (and I have) they'll all say the same thing.... moms. Kids don't hang out where their moms hang out.

3. Understand What's Out There
Technology isn't going anywhere and it's going to become more and more intertwined in our daily lives as time goes on. That's a good thing but it means that at this point, parents have a responsibility to understand both the good things that your kids can do with their phones as well as the bad. Parents need to know what apps to look out for but just as importantly, how their devices can be used to bring their families closer together.

4. Find ways to connect to your family through your phones.
Families have a weird habit of connecting to everyone in their lives digitally, except each other. And Facebook doesn't count. Find a protected place where you and your family can communicate, send messages, make jokes, post pictures, and share moments in a private setting. There are tons of apps that will allow you to do this. My family uses Group Me. We know that whatever we post is only being shown to the family members in the group and we use it for personal moments that make us laugh that are frankly no one else's business.

5. Figure out how your phones can make family life easier.
There are a multitude of apps designed to keep family schedules, shopping lists, special events, and notes all in one secure digital location. Most of these apps will also allow you to log in and see where everyone is. Find one that works and use it.

6. Have fun with each other and let technology be a part of it.
Use your phones to laugh and play games with your kids. Sure, things like Words With Friends are nice but that's not really what I mean. When you're using technology for games, the best games are the ones where the technology disappears, like these. Here's a good litmus test.... when the game is over, if you were to tell someone else a story about what you did, would you talk about the technology? If so, you're doing it wrong. You should be talking about the people you played the game with. Games like the ones I've listed will leave you laughing at each other, not at the screen.

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